Just the other day, I had the greatest idea I’ve had in a while. Everyone wants a diet where they can eat what they want, don’t have to exercise, and still lose weight. How about a diet where you can do just that? I mean, who says you have to watch what you eat and exercise regularly to stay healthy? Fear not. I have the answer. I call it “The Movie Theater Concession Stand Diet”. That’s right. If you can find it at the concession stand at your movie theater, you can eat it.
How does it work? Well, you don’t need to eat real fruits and vegetables because you have jujubies and fruit-flavored squishies. Dairy? Milk duds, Sno-caps, nacho cheese, and a variety of milk-chocolate goods. Grains and fiber? Popcorn and giant pretzels with grains of salt the size of small automobiles! Meat? Hot dogs! Now, you may be thinking that your body could not handle all the sugar, fat, and chemicals you can’t pronounce, but fear not! This diet depends on the Abundance Principle. It works in the opposite manner of the Starvation Principle. In the Starvation Principle, your body is so deprived of energy that when you do eat, it stores all the energy away in fat because it doesn’t know when it’ll get more energy again. Well, with the Abundance Principle, your body is so inundated with fat, sugars, and other generally unhealthy chemicals that it all just passes right through, knowing there is more on the way. Genius, no? Oh, and while you’re at the movie theater, why not kick back, sit on your ass for a few hours, and enjoy a movie or two?
Oh, did I mention that the movie theater is going to give me a cut of their profits because I’m getting you to buy more of those overpriced snacks? But nevermind that. It’s a small detail and is really not why I have proposed this idea. I just want to give you what you really want. Now, you get to sit on your butt and eat whatever the heck you feel like. Want extra butter-flavored grease on your popcorn? Go ahead. Want the extra-mega-sized soda? I won’t stop you. Counting calories? Bah. Counting carbs? Forget it! Watching your fat intake? Why bother? Making sure you eat good, whole foods? Psshaw, are you kidding? Balanced diet? That’s for sissies! Go ahead. Sit on your ass and eat whatever you want. Just pray you can pry yourself out of that seat when you have to hit the bathroom.
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